thoughts put down

A little more than a year ago I wrote this up. For some reason I decided not to put it up, but now that some time has passed, I think it's something worth having up.

I actually was thinking of much more serious aspects of life that relate to the story of 'trying too hard'. Like listening so hard for the notes of a song that you don't hear the whole thing.

Some people (heh, you active posters know who you are) might say that 'being a christian' can easily become something where one tries 'too hard'. Learn all the right doctrine, why such is right and such is wrong. Well who said what, and why did that mean something else to so-and-so.. running round and round with logic and reason. Really, I get tired just sitting here and typing about it. Not that logic and reason are bad, by all means no! But if I think really hard, and put lots of consternation into it, it gets to be like squeezing the pencil too hard while I try to write. It doesn't work, I can't live it. I've tried quite a lot.

I have come to a gracious point of knowing that I'm not brilliant. Often I don't even feel very bright. But the basics were made for me, and people like me. God through Jesus has made a relationship possible with me. I've accepted the offer, and we talk sometimes. Not often enough really. A lot of times I offend him, because he's pretty much as perfect as anything, and I do things that aren't good like him. He actually hates those things, and it tends to be like a slap-in-the-face when I do or think those things. I feel bad about it when I realize how much it hurts him, and it really disturbs my heart for a while. The more I know what I'm doing wrong, the longer it bothers me and the more I feel bad about it. So I finally come around to talking to him about it. Setting it as straight as I know how by asking his forgiveness. Sometimes I have to ask forgiveness from more people than God though, 'cause it affects other people too. It takes a while to build up trust in me and God's relationship. Not because he isn't so trustworthy or anything, it's ME that isn't. So I don't trust myself to be a very good friend. He knows I'm not that great, and that I fail a lot, and how i'm not very good at being a friend. I guess that is part of his love for me.