a rebellious spirit

Well, I've been feeling a bit rebellious. Not really. Well.. partially. It relates a bit to my last post. I don't rebel in those teenage sort of ways, i.e. punk hair, angry looks, loud thrashing music, mistreating others, etc... No, but rebellion does spread, and I find myself driving faster, being more impatient, more irritable, less able to listen, less focused, sleeping in late, doing nominal work, trying to fill the silences with noise and activity. Yep, that's what my rebellion looks like. It's not too cool.

I'm a well trained human. I've learned somewhat appropriate ways to make inward ugliness come out. All the above 'signs' of my rebellion are the way I've trained myself to exhibit my badness, because I know it won't have much repercussions. (maybe a traffic ticket, maybe a hurt relationship, maybe a conflict at work.. but overall, pretty low risk).

When I said a bit ago that "rebellion spreads", I mean that it spreads from one area in life to other areas. I am not "where I'm supposed to be" in my spiritual walk, and that rebellion overflows badly into just about every other part of my life. In a way, I'm dying. Or experiencing a death. Because it isn't life. Life is living with Jesus. Doing the will of the Father. Apart from that is nothing. Just look at one of the new testament comparisons between sinful living vs. the Spirit filled life. Anger, pride, hatred, malice, self-seeking, lust, and all sorts of destruction. In contrast are all the fruits of the Spirit.

So I'm not falling away, and I still know the fruits are in my life.. I'm just experiencing a bit of obedience issues. I know how I should be, or at least, more how I should be, and am not being it. I think there are stern warnings in the NT for such people as my current self. I do not anticipate lingering much longer in this place. (c: i.e. I'll leave after posting this for a bit of time for prayer, and an early morning in His word. So how are you all doing?

I've never been able to judge others in relation to where I'm at, and being where I am at now re-affirms that fact. I understand, and it is hard. Rebellion is like.. when you are a child and you wet your bed... it happens, you feel warmer for it, and actually, it feels nice, but as soon as you leave it, it's cold, and smells bad. So why leave it? Because you have to. The longer you stay, the more.. well.. wrong it is. It's better being clean and having real life.

Maybe I am where I'm supposed to be for right now, so I can be humbled a bit, and know the living death that so many are experiencing. But it's time to move on.